I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
