You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
