I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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