why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
