evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just gargled with NyQuil
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
