I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
