Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You took a bar mat shot.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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