The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
