My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
