I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
