I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
i think my cat just said my name.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
