Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
