shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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