Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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