I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Randomize
