Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My brain says no but my pants say off.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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