1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
