a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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