Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
