I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.