Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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