So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
