It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
