You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
