Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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