Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Randomize
