Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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