yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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