That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
