I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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