My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
