Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
