If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
there was a trapeze. enough said
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
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He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
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