Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Nicole vs. Life
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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