Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
