And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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