I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
