do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
