If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
