I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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