Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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