i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
