I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I can't put those talents on a resume
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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