be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
