I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
