so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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