Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
