guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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