I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
