you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
