I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
