hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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