Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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