nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I stole a fireplace last night.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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