wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
