We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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