Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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